Sharon
From: Newnan, Georgia
“…it's a relief that I no longer tell people to just give their hearts to Jesus, or say the sinner's prayer, and then watch them struggle like I did for such a very long time even though I was so dedicated to church life. ”
I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but I remember the vacation Bible school group picking me up from the neighborhood and taking me to their day camps. At that point in my young life, I felt drawn to the Lord to the point where I even got water baptized of my own accord at one of the camp activities. I remember coming home and asking my parents if they would go to church with me and when they said no, I was very disappointed.
Despite this, I ended up leading a very sinful teenage life. When I was 16, my mom actually repented of her ways and came to the knowledge of Jesus. She was filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues as proof, and I noticed a definite positive change in her. By his time however, the earlier window of my openness toward God was diminished, and I was resistant to my mom's attempts to get me to go with her to church. I was at a very rebellious stage in my life, influenced mainly by relationships with various boyfriends. I was terribly insecure and hungered for love which is probably why I soon fell for my first husband because he paid extra special attention to me. I still had my superficial "lay me down to sleep prayers," but I wasn't humble and I wasn't willing to give up my life for God.
When I was about 25, my aunt (my mom's sister) started to go to a church. She lived near me and my husband and, like my mom, she would invite me to attend services with her. I eventually gave in to her nagging and after a few times, I responded to an "altar call" one Sunday, believing I had satisfactorily repaired my relationship with God.
My husband even ended up coming along and did "the altar call thing," too. We both became very involved in the church, even participating in yearly mission trips. Yet, whenever the pastor would preach on the Holy Spirit (with speaking in tongues as proof), it was always very frustrating and confusing because it would never happen to me. I would repeatedly go up to the altar to seek for the Holy Spirit (which was the only time praying for the Holy Spirit would occur in the fellowship - never outside of this structure), but nothing would ever happen.
I grew increasingly discouraged. At the time I had no idea what the "blockage" was, but I now realize why: I had been praying with the wrong understanding and expectation. I had been seeking for "the baptism of the Holy Spirit" with the perspective (as per what the pastor preached) that it was an optional extra and not a necessary part of the salvation process. I believed I already had the Holy Spirit because I had previously "given my heart to Jesus" and that there was an additional, subsequent Holy Spirit anointing which was simply "a good thing to have."
My marriage then ended in divorce (for the first time) when I was about 32. While we were diligently attending church, we were still living very fleshly lives. We drank lots, my husband was into pornography, and my husband verbally and emotionally abused me. But, my husband made me feel so guilty about divorcing him that I re-married him. The abuse continued, and it became unbearable. I knew I was right in wanting to obey what the Bible says about not to divorce, but neither my husband nor I had the power within us to obey God's Word and to live righteously, so I finally filed for divorce again. At the time, I didn't realize I was struggling to follow God by my own strength; I thought I had everything I needed to live a Christian life, and I deluded myself into believing I was a Christian because I was so dedicated to the church group. I now realize I was caught up in "churchianity."
Shortly after, I started seeing another guy, but I was still plagued by guilt and so sickened by the immorality of my earlier life - and now repeating it again - that I ended the relationship and kind of gave up, in a good way. I prayed that if I had to be alone with God for the rest of my life then I was okay with that. In terms of relationships, I no longer wanted to settle for anything less than God's best for me, so if that wasn't going to happen, I was content to at least live the remainder of my life in honor of the Lord.
About two months after praying that prayer, a male acquaintance of mine at my fitness center approached me and said that God had shown him that he was going to marry me. The connection was so strong, and we quickly fell in love, but we were determined to do the right thing by the Lord. We absolutely knew God had put us together and didn't want to fall into the sexual traps of our pasts, so we soon married.
Although we initially lived very worldly lives, there was something very different abut this marriage. For one thing, Artie was incredibly supportive of me during years of chronic health problems that I began experiencing in 2012. I was eventually diagnosed with Lyme disease and mold toxicity, and the symptoms were terribly debilitating, but it was through this suffering that I finally woke up to getting truly serious about God. Also, although I (together with Artie) immersed myself into "churchianity" church service like I had done so in the past (and, in fact, even more so compared with the past), I saw my husband seeking God and building a personal relationship with Him outside of church.
It was when Artie was filled with the Holy Spirit that he transformed miraculously. He loved to spend time in our backyard, praying in his "heavenly language" as he called it (which we both now understand is the "speaking in tongues" recorded in the Bible). I so badly wanted what Artie had, and Artie encouraged me to seek God of my own accord. But, most of my praying for the Holy Spirit was still confined to heading up to the altar at church, week after week. Others in the fellowship would say, "Don't worry, you're still saved," but I couldn't help wondering what was wrong with me - having now prayed for the Holy Spirit for nearly 20 years!
Finally, my breakthrough came after making the effort to diligently search the scriptures. One in particular hit me hard: Mark 16:17, "And these signs shall follow them that believe... ...they shall speak with new tongues..." I realized God was saying that all true believers would definitely be able to speak in tongues. And, I suddenly understood that I actually "needed" the infilling of the Holy Spirit - that it wasn't something I could do without. So, in January 2021, I prayed diligently, all alone before God, determined to get the victory. At first, I found myself speaking a few words here and there in the "unknown tongue/language" that the Bible talks about in 1 Corinthians 14. And after doing this for a series of days, I gained the confidence to rebuke all the fear and doubt that had accumulated over my 20+ years of seeking, and I grew more and more comfortable with praying in tongues.
However, the fullness of my understanding didn't develop until God sent new neighbors our way a few months later. In fact, when we discovered that the house next door to us was for sale, Artie and I prayed in faith for good neighbors - in particular, for neighbors that wouldn't hinder Artie's daily prayer life in our back yard. God mightily answered our prayer and sent a Spirit-filled family who had a vision of the Book of Acts life and how the early church began. They were able to explain to us why it took me so long to receive the Holy Spirit, and that I never even had the Holy Spirit dwelling within me until January 2021 - that my earlier acts of "giving my heart to Jesus" were only a part of coming to a knowledge of Jesus and trying to lead a repentant life. What I was drawn to a few months earlier (when I began diligently searching the Bible in January) started to fall into place in my heart and mind. As I had sensed, there is more to the conversion process than just making some kind of confession of Jesus, and I did need the power of the Holy Spirit to fill me in order to give me the strength to lead a Christian life.
Since all of this falling into place, Artie and I have left our church (the pastor refused to consider that there were some things missing in his preaching) and started following the Book of Acts model of our own accord, and we've never felt better. I also got baptized in water again, this time with the understanding that it's a critical part of the salvation process, for the remission of sins (John 3:5, Acts 2:38). (When I got baptized in our previous church, I was told it was simply a symbol and not necessary.) Of course, I'm still growing as the Bible says we will as we continue in our walks, but I finally feel complete and at peace with God.
It's very exciting to know that I don't have to wait to invite people to church and hope they will eventually come along one day (like my mom and aunt repeatedly tried with me, and it still didn't get me where I wanted to be with God even when I eventually did respond). And, it's a relief that I no longer tell people to just give their hearts to Jesus, or say the sinner's prayer, and then watch them struggle like I did for such a very long time even though I was so dedicated to church life. Rather, Artie and I have seen many people filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, virtually instantly because we share with them the fullness of what Jesus preached and what the very first Spirit-filled fellowships experienced.
Life is so different for me now that I pray in tongues every day, now that I wait for God to bring things into my life (like how He did with Artie) as opposed to striving by my own strength, and now that I rely upon Jesus and the Word of God directly rather than on what is being told to me from the front of a church. Whereas I used to try to earn my way to God's heart through my church attendance and the multitude of church activities and service I would volunteer for, I now have a personal and very real relationship with God, through Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit within me.